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Are You Afraid of Being Happy?



There was a time in my life when I was secretly resistant to joy.


When I investigated WHY, I discovered an unsettling belief.


If people knew I was happy, I wouldn’t be safe.


This doesn't make any sense to higher awareness.  But to survivor brain, it's ingenious.


Let me explain how this works.


Survivor brain is the homeland of all our protective parts which develop when we're young and use specific strategies to help us survive the difficult process of growing up.


This is where things get tricky. 


Because even when we HAVE grown up, the brain often defaults to these familiar (but outmoded and immature) coping behaviours without us even realizing it. 


When stress kicks up, old conditioning takes over and protective parts step in. 


And one part in particular uses unhappiness as a security measure.


Yes, you read that right!


Resistance to joy is often the victim mindset expressing itself in a mistaken attempt to help.


If you think this doesn't apply to YOU, hear me out.


You may be competent and capable in this right-now moment, but there was a time when you were completely helpless and dependent on others.   


When you were a baby, you couldn't walk.  You couldn't feed yourself.  You didn't even have TEETH to chew your food! 


In order to get your needs met, you had to fuss and kick and cry.  


Well, guess what. Those memories of powerlessness still exist in your psyche. When life feels overwhelming or TOO MUCH, Survivor Brain employs the same strategy it used when you were small and vulnerable.


Shirzad Chamine (creator of Positive Intelligence) calls this mode of operation the Victim Saboteur—and he says it tries to get attention, comfort and love by being REALLY unhappy. 


This is exactly what I discovered when I worked with my own inner victim.


When I really paid attention and listened to what it was saying, I was stunned.


  • If they know I’m happy, they won’t be there for me. 

  • If they know I’m happy, they'll focus on their own lives and forget about me. 

  • If they know I’m happy, they’ll think I’m just fine and won’t be there when I need them.



Oof!  My poor, confused, little victim! It was equating complaining with SUPPORT and SAFETY. 


In a weird, illogical twist, it was dousing my happiness because it thought all avenues of support would disappear if it didn't.


When I sat with it and truly felt what it was feeling, I realized how vulnerable, and afraid, and alone it was.


It couldn't feel any connection to a higher power or to the orchestration of life.  It didn't know about my own creative abilities or the resources I have at my disposal. 


That's when I saw how much it needed me. 


And not in a kick-in-the-butt kind of way.


It needed me to show up as the adult woman I am.  It needed me to be the guide, the sage, the core leader, the nurturing loving parent.


It needed compassion, not contempt.  Understanding, not judgement. 


It needed gentle, loving guidance not shame.


And more than anything, safety. 


And my permission to feel good.


 

Sending you so much love,


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