For the last few years, I’ve been slogging my way through A Course In Miracles. And I’ll be honest. I’m not a grade A student. I’ve had to work through this book in a slow, deliberate manner, stopping after every couple of paragraphs to flip back through the clarification of terms or look up a word in the dictionary—scribbling my findings down in the margins so I can re-read the text in a way my brain can actually follow.
It’s been a long, difficult climb. Six-hundred and sixty-nine pages in five years before ever reaching the point I’m at now—the workbook for students. Yes friend, I’m only just starting the lessons. There are 365 in total and as I write this, I’m at Lesson 126. Which means I’m not even halfway there. But this work isn’t about how fast I can reach the top of the mountain. For me, it’s a slow undoing of a mindset that was created in childhood—fused into place by traditional Christianity that taught me I was a sinner and separate from God. And this undoing is the most important work I will ever do.
Because even though I left my religion, MY RELIGION NEVER LEFT ME.
It stayed rooted in the alleyways of my brain, humming to me through the pipelines of my subconscious. You’re bad. You’re not worthy.
And I’ve been dancing to these tunes for so long I’ve worn holes in my shoes. For years, I kept sabotaging myself and couldn’t understand why. I didn't realize that the beliefs from my childhood were still generating thoughts because they were just below the surface of my conscious mind.
I couldn’t hear them, and yet I could see the results showing up in every area of my life.
in my relationship with others
in my relationship with myself
in my relationship with money
I was stuck in a contradiction. On one hand, I was thriving. My life was filled with amazing people and experiences. But just when things got really good, there was always a backlash, some kind of terrible loss that felt like a punishment.
And it was this feeling of punishment that got my attention. Because, why on earth, would I feel THAT? I didn’t believe in a punitive Universe! Or did I? I decided to go inward to find out. I followed every intense negative emotion down to the root cause—capturing all of my thoughts on paper. And those thoughts painted a picture of an anxious child, still deeply troubled by a collective burden of guilt. I sat with this girl, and when I listened to her, I heard the old melody of a religion that was never mine. My self-sabotage was all about ME punishing ME. Deep down, I was still judging myself for having normal (and healthy) desires. I was judging myself for being materialistic. For not being perfect. For not being nice. No wonder A Course In Miracles called to me so loudly. (Just to clarify, ACIM is about the purification of Christianity. It’s entire purpose is to correct the erroneous belief that we are in any way sinful or separate from all that is. We don't need to be punished OR saved because we're not sinners. God is not the author of hell and damnation. Our minds are.) My subconscious recognized the value of this unconventional book and kept dragging me back to it, so that I could get well. It was trying to help me loosen the ties to my past conditioning. That's why I show up, day after day, to read the lessons.
Because you don’t undo strong neural networks in one day.
It’s a practice. I’ve had to face my unhealthy beliefs head-on, meeting them again and again until they lose their grip on my mind and stop showing up as results in my life. Now, every time I feel shame or guilt or unease, I remind myself of the truth:
I am good.
I am whole.
I am a part of all that is
And bit by bit, I can feel the residue from my childhood religion washing away. So, if you’ve been struggling with a long-standing pattern that needs to change, DON'T GIVE UP. The unwanted results you see in your life will lead you straight to your own hidden beliefs. And if you’re willing to do the work to release them, your medicine will find YOU. That’s why I’m not going to tell you to run out and get yourself a copy of A Course In Miracles. I can’t possibly know what you need. But your heart does. Your inner child does. And your subconscious will keep drawing your attention to the methods and means (and people) who can help you find your way. I don't care what religion you need to let go of. Your psyche just wants to be whole. Listen to it and you'll find your answers. Follow it and you'll find your freedom.
Sending you so much love,
